The Losses of Motherhood
When you’re expecting a baby, everyone talks about the positives… “It’s the greatest time in your life! Motherhood is so rewarding!”
So why are you having such a hard time with this “magical” adjustment? You’re feeling anxious and sad and sometimes (although you feel too guilty about this to ever admit it out loud) you wish you had your old life back.
Most of my clients had never thought about the losses that come with becoming a mother. I’m not talking about losses like miscarriages and stillbirths— these are traumas that I will address in a different post. I’m talking about having to let go of some aspects of your pre-baby life and adjust to a whole new normal for yourself and your family.
Here are some of the common losses that I hear new moms talk about :
- Freedom. Gone are the days that you can spontaneously decide to run out for ice cream, or whisk off for a weekend getaway. Now you have to consider naptime, feeding schedules, and babysitters. Some moms describe feeling like they are anchored to their home, or tethered to their baby.
- Identity. You used to describe or identify yourself according to what you did (your work or hobbies). Now you’re a MOM… what does that even mean??
- Career/Career Potential. Whether you choose to work outside the home full time, stay at home full time, or anywhere in between (contracting, part time work, work-from-home, etc), your job situation has likely changed in some way. Either you’re adjusting to not leaving the home anymore and getting daily adult interaction, or you’re navigating separation anxiety as you drop your baby off at daycare… the image that you had of your career or career potential is probably different than it was before.
- Control. There is only so much control that you can have over your life right now. Overnight, your life changed in unexpected ways. Now you worry about things that are somewhat out of your control, like SIDS, someone breaking into your home, germs. You find yourself clinging to anything that you can control.
- Finances. Babies are expensive. Now you have increased costs like medical bills/insurance, diapers, formula, clothes, daycare, and baby gear that you never had to worry before. The financial pressure is felt by everyone in the household.
- Relationship changes. Changes in marital roles are especially pronounced if you both worked full time before the baby, and now one of you is the breadwinner while the other is the stay-at- home parent. You may find that you and your husband are both so tired that you’ve been snipping more at each other. Life is so busy that you find yourselves drifting apart because you don’t have any time or energy for each other. Sex is the last thing on your mind at the end of the day.
- Friendships. Having a baby has also changed your friendships— you don’t feel you have as much in common with friends who don’t have kids, and you’re too busy to connect with those who do.
- Body image. Your body undergoes intense changes during pregnancy and postpartum seasons. Your body may never return to the shape and size that you were before the baby. This realization can be especially distressing for women who have struggled with body images for most of their lives.
The first step in moving forward through these changes is realizing that you are grieving a loss. Many moms feel they are supposed to be happy and joyous with their newborn, and feel guilty or crazy if they are struggling. They internalize all of these feelings because they are too ashamed to share them, which makes them feel even more alone.
All moms experience some adjustment with these types of losses. You are not crazy, you’re not a bad mom, and you’re not alone. You’re just experiencing a big life change. If you are having an especially hard time, please get some help. Individual or couples counseling and support groups are helpful ways of getting extra support during this big adjustment so you can start enjoying your new life stage. If you’re ready to move forward, schedule an appointment and we’ll take that first step together.
Click here for more information on maternal mental health. Or contact me to schedule an appointment.